If I were an actor...

...this would have been the Design version of doing Porn for bus fare! 

I actually get to use something from School other than proof of diploma purchase?!

I actually get to use something from School other than proof of diploma purchase?!

Ooooh look at me, using some college project as an editorial spot for my own blog!

Mom I made it!! haha

We've all been there with whatever industry you work in. That "Annnnd we've hit a new low" moment in our career. Well I've had a few to say the least. Not to mention some doozies that have nothing to do with my design career but just times where you have to ask yourself :"where did I go wrong?" or think :"At least I'm not mopping floors at a strip joint" but that doesn't mean we're not allowed to complain about the shitty jobs we've had or poke fun at ourselves. Hopefully you read along and enjoy some funny moments in my working life. 

3 months of mental anguish

3 months of mental anguish

One was where I worked for a local Canadian Tire and I cut my hand because I used a customer's jacknife to cut an inch thick nylon rope where the supplied wire cutters took forever to cut! Damn jacknife had a thing you had to push to close it properly and slippppp I cut my hand. I ended up claiming 3 hours worker's comp. and forced to take a worker's safety class after all this. They even had a new system set up for everyone who worked there to have to put these big-ass goggles on and gloves to cut nylon rope! Christ they hated me there! Thank Eff I made the hockey team that fall and couldn't work there anymore.

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Another doozy (which funny enough a friend of mine went through the same ordeal) was when I responded to an ad that said "Want to get into 'Business-to-Business Advertising!??". I was pumped thinking "heck yea I do!"  I get there, and there's this weird almost religious rally was going on in this conference room where people are pumping themselves up and cheering and shit and they come running out of the meeting all smiles and laughing. A couple come around tapping  me on the back asking me how I was and shit and me wondering...um.....huh? Then having an interviewer tell me: "well we'll be getting you out on the road right away! And you'll be with Andrea here (Not sure what her name was) but it was one of those AWWNdreas not Aindrea. I digress. So I end up in this beat up piece of shit car with three other weirdos out in god knows where and this Andrea is pointing to different buildings saying "Ok you'll go there and hit up that whole row and then the other side. I'll take Paul to the Mall and we'll meet up at the Hospital for lunch!" I'm just deer in headlights at this point.  This B2B bullshit was just a bunch of flyer pushers for spas and other joints that wanted us to get people to come by!  So yea. By the end of the day, I was kicked out of a Mall, a Hospital, and left in the middle of North Markham with only knowing that I needed to take a bus south and to get the hell out of Dodge. Oh and I didn't get paid obviously. I didn't mention that I brought my portfolio with me too. What. A. Waist. Of. 8. Hours!  

So a buddy of mine that I used to work retail with was a graphic designer and was first to "GET OUT" of the retail biz and he hooked me up with my first Graphic Design full-time job. 

I made it!

I was in front of a computer that had photoshop and illustrator and I was ready to make a career for myself. Sure it was a PC but fuck it!  It was with a Sports Marketing firm. I wouldn't call it that at all. It's a family owned framing business where the son who had a lot of connections to NHL players decided to take the framing part and throw in autographed photos into them and sell em to collectors. "Yeah I'm in Sports Marketing" is what I would tell people. Pfff!

When they started this whole "Sports Marketing" part of the business, they landed a client that made them some good money. So they bought nice cars, nice homes and it looked like things were in the right direction. That job they landed that made them money fell apart and they ran with what they made. So it was set in stone that they may not have made some great business moves and might not look promising for the future. I was right. 

At one point they (The owners and VPs) became curious to see what they could do with this license they had with the NHL. Where else can you find great ideas? A Trade show for Trinkets, Doodads and Toys nowhere else than CHINA!! 

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Off they went with our bonus money to look for the next big thing in sports paraphernalia! Boy they were excited! The next time we see them, they're so happy and smiley and shit it made us all sick. So eventually the designers got to hear what they wanted to create. 

They brought back a bag of bullshit that looked like someone barfed un-recyclable plastic garbage all over the place!  

This was the kicker, I was asked to "Design" a

FLY SWATTER!!

Good thinking for that Watermark! God knows someone might want to make money off this image.

Good thinking for that Watermark! God knows someone might want to make money off this image.

Good thing they put a watermark on this, or I'd be posting this and trying to make money from it.

I was asked to create a vector drawing of the actual said swatter in form of the team's logo! Want to crush that moth that has been sputtering around for the last half hour around your kitchen light! Here comes a big ass Toronto Maple Leafs logo ready to spread your guts all over the place! 

Well it kept some people in China happy right?

I'm quite sure this factory wasn't making Fly Swatters, but they look like they would love to don't they?

I'm quite sure this factory wasn't making Fly Swatters, but they look like they would love to don't they?

As soon as I was dealt this project, I emailed all my buddies back home.


Remember when all you guys went off to school to be engineers, and I went to art school? Boy I was dumb!

I couldn't go lower. There was nothing but Up left ahead. I think as a joke, I even took all the NHL licensing design assets and made a condom wrapper. 

Oh! and there was this ditty of an idea from China they wanted to do. JERSEY KITES!! yayyyy!!! "Hey mom look! there's a headless, legless, armless boy flying around in the sky!!" how FUN!! 


Kite??

Kite??

I was happily not involved with that Award Winner but was privileged to see the people taking this idea seriously so that I may ad to the hilarity and ridiculousness of the this China trip in it's entirety. 

"So Ainsy! what shitty projects have you had since those golden years?" some may ask.  Well working for a pharmaceutical advertising agency I've seen my share of queasiness.  

For instance this happy little gouger called the Ozurdex Gun.

Look Ma' ! A submarine!

Look Ma' ! A submarine!

It's needle that goes right into your eyes and shoots Botox in to the back to help you with Glaucoma and shit. (That's that actual clinical explanation). So instead of just smoking a ton of Herb, get some guy who's making tons off of you to jab a needle into your eye while you're awake to "see it" all go down. 

Which reminds me, I need to take a piss

Which reminds me, I need to take a piss

Ah then there's the Botox Urology. They also have a needle for that. Botox should be like iPhone Apps. "There's an App for that!" well Botox would be "There's a needle for that!" Nothing like looking at a bladder all day though. Speaking of Apps, I was asked to create one for your phone that will allow a patient to keep on top of all the piss he or she is dishing out during the day. I guess it would help some people, but me as a designer and someone who doesn't want to illustrate piss, yea, not fun.



So there you have it! Apart from those horror stories in my design career, and some goodies from before that, things are looking pretty damn good right now. Oh and I hear I'm getting a return on my income tax!! Finally! I don't owe dem jack this year!

If any of you would like to add a horror story to this blog, please feel free to post it in the comments below! I love hearing other people's misery haha

Oh I forgot to mention that at one point working for Canadian Tire, a customer, after asking me where a product was and I said we are all out, he yelled out to me from down the isle :"they're right here you MORON!!"

I'll leave the table open to more fun times! 

Cheerskies!

No really, I need to take a piss!

No really, I need to take a piss!


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